Dealing with (supposedly) in-character bullying

Question

There is a member in our current gaming group that has been difficult to deal with and I would really appreciate some advice. For context: We are a group of four people, including the DM, and have been playing Pathfinder for well over a year now. Age-wise we are in our late-twenties to early forties, with myself being the youngest player. I am a player, as is he. (Let’s call him Kevin.)

Kevin's character has been ridiculing mine throughout the campaign. Sometimes it’s mean-spirited, often it’s just utterly nonsensical and without basis. He frequently presents her as stupid (her Intelligence is 12 – so, no genius, but still above average) or mocks her for things she never did. Examples include throwing sticks and shouting “Careful, snake!” because according to him, she is afraid of snakes (she isn’t) or making jokes about her always pooping her pants (something she never has).

It’s both bewildering and annoying and it really puts a damper on roleplaying the character, because any real or perceived weakness will instantly be turned into a stupid joke. Same with any “peace offering”. Heck, last session we did a mock magic-duel in front of an audience in honour of his god (my idea and he liked it). My character tried to be supportive, tried to make him look cool, because hey, it was supposed to be his show. (i.e., I deliberately failed a few saves in the beginning.) Meanwhile, Kevin's character tried his best to humiliate her in front of the audience.

To boot, I am the only girl in the group. And while I wouldn’t go so far as to call it outright sexism, there is a really icky/degrading vibe to a lot of those jokes. (Slapping her awake with sausages when she is unconscious or pouring water over her pants to make it look like she peed herself.) It's not inherently sexual, but it still feels gross.

All in all, none of those jokes are horrible, but they aren't funny either and they just keep piling up, basically every session. And again, most of the time they do not even make sense.

Kevin's character has done some name-calling or trolling to NPCs or the other remaining PC as well, but only once or twice. I’m his prime “target”. The other players think he behavior is a bit rude, but don't feel strongly enough about it to speak up and I don't want people to 'pick a side' in this, tbh.

The main problem is that it is really hard to tell “player-voice” and “character-voice” apart with Kevin. He is very hard to read as a person and very tight-lipped, getting any information out of him is like pulling teeth. When I tried to talk to him about his “jokes”, he acted surprised and implied he was just roleplaying his character. (He has 6 Charisma.) I’m not sure I buy it, since some of the jokes have been meta (like gifting me a oversexed joke-mini with no similarity to my PC because: “look, it’s her!”) and he isn’t even roleplaying anything else. (And we have yet to see that 22 Wisdom roleplayed in any form…) After our talk, it got better for a short while, but now he is right back to normal.

I have tried “playing along” and reacting in-character. This has included storming off crying and generally acting upset and hurt. Kevin’s character acted disinterested and called her overly emotional and, again, stupid for it. (Whereas Kevin himself seemed mostly amused, because he provoked me/made me ‘lose’? I don't even know, to be honest.)

All in all, it’s not bad enough to be a deal breaker. The rest of the group is fine, the adventure is cool and he is just one guy. I don’t want to blow it out of proportions by involving the whole group. But it is, frankly, annoying and I don’t know how to deal with it. Any advice?

EDIT 02.07.2018:

Thank you for the extensive feedback and advice. I was blow away by how seriously you took this, since I was afraid I was just being whiny and paranoid. Your reaction really made me reevaluate the whole situation and I realized that I have actually been kind of a doormat throughout this whole campaign. This needs to change. ASAP.

Most of you suggest bringing it up with the DM. I don’t want to do that yet, since it is pretty much an official accusation and will probably escalate things. But I did bring it up with the one remaining player, “Josh”. He agreed that Kevins behavior was out of line and promised to support me and speak up the next time it happened.

(There has been some comments whether his or the DMs behavior is “cowardly” and while I do appreciate your fervor, I think I need to defend them a bit here. Josh and I have been Rpg-buddies for a long time and we play well off each other, precisely because we are both very “live and let live” with loooong fuses. This may not always be the best way to deal with stuff, but we avoided a lot of drama with that approach in the past. Do I wish he would have spoken up on his own? Maybe. But in the end, he’ll have my back. As for the DM, Kevin is a challenging player in general and not easy to assert any “authority” over. He might just be picking his battles. Again, maybe not optimal, but hey. We are all only human.)

This evening (CEST) we will have our first session since I posted this question. If Kevin tries any of his “humor” again I will speak up at the table. You guys gave me great advice and material on what to say and how to phrase it. A lot of bullies back off when facing open resistance. Maybe just showing him that I won’t be his easy target any longer will solve this. If not, step two will be involving the DM. And step three will be quitting the group, if nothing else helps.

I’ll keep you updated.

EDIT 11.07.2018:

Posted recent - and hopefully final - developments of this mess as an answer.

Answer 1

First and foremost, I am sorry you have to put up with Kevin.

Bullying should not be tolerated¹. Ever²!

Sadly, your experience is far from unique. Kevin acts in the manner of a sexist bully and should be called out for such vile behaviour. That behaviour should not be tolerated at all. It violates Wheaton's law and good manners. You should not put up with that kind of behaviour in any setting be it professional or private.

The other players, being passive, are at best cowards³ (leaving the at worst part out…) and certainly complicit in enabling Kevin's unacceptable attitude. You should be ready to ask the group to chose between you and him — for this game. Whatever people decide to do in private is their own problem.

Psyoatde raised a very good point indeed about walking away and ultimatums, pointing out that:

Having been 'the only girl' in an all male group, this is can be a problem. Even speaking up, one has to constantly be careful to not be perceived (!) as someone wants all the guys to fawn over her. A 'me or him' thing is, imho, basically impossible due to everyone having been raised in todays' society (patriarchy and all that). It emphasises that you are 'other'. OP can try the GM bit & be as careful as possible - sometimes that works - but she should be aware that things could blow up. Unfortunately.

I, fortunately, had the utter opposite experience. Both with female and ethnic players standing up for themselves, explaining what was bothering them, and getting nothing but respect and apologies for it.

Walking away from abuse (and bullying is abuse) is something anyone should do whatever form that abuse takes. Yes, it takes courage. Yes, it takes iron will. Life does not give you points for doing things that are easy. Things could blow up and if they do, it is time to find better friends. People who either bully you or let others do it, are not your friends. There are better people out there. Do not waste your time with abusers — that road leads nowhere good.

Thankfully, this is a last resort. There are things you can (should?) do before.

I would speak to the GM privately first raising your concern. You do a good job of putting them in this question, so I am confident that the GM will take heed of your concerns.

The trick here is to speak about Kevin's actions, never Kevin himself.

For example, never say "Kevin is a dick because he makes sexist jokes". Instead say "Many jokes that Kevin makes are sexist". This allows Kevin to step back and apologise. He might genuinely not realise his behaviour is aberrant. Again, I am being charitable with Kevin here. Once you have spoken with the GM, agree with them on a course of action. It could be for them to raise said issues with Kevin alone (that would be the best outcome) but that is their (GM's) choice. It could be for you to talk to Kevin privately. It could be to raise it at the gaming table. Whatever happens and however upsetting such conversation becomes: never lose your cool: speak slowly, think about what you are about to say, and never rise to the bait.

HellSaint in his answer provides a nice approach to how to speak to Kevin. I strongly urge any reader to check the answer.

If the GM does nothing, you have a problem. You could talk to another player. They might have a chance of getting Kevin to realise his behaviour is abuse and change his way. This could work well if said other player was a really good friend of Kevin and able to have heart-to-heart conversation with him.

Finally, you could talk to Kevin. This would be difficult as confronting bullies is hard.

I sincerely hope Kevin will stop acting like a jerk and you find it in yourself to give him a second chance — I am a sucker for redemption stories. However, life is too short to spend with jerks: Be willing to give up the game and find better friends. There are better people out there.

PS: Maybe reading Five Geek Social Fallacies would help as well.

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^{1: While there are many reasons why such behaviour might arise from social or mental issues, it is no reasons for tolerating it. It is the duty of decent human beings to stand up to such behaviour whatever the causes are. Even better if one manages to fix the root causes.}

^{2 As an aside raised in comments, My Guy Syndrome is clearly not an excuse for Kevin's bullying behaviour either. Kevin 100% controls his character thus he is responsible for what said character does. Neither does it matter that Kevin is abusing NPCs as well. It is not a game setting issue, it is a real life one.}

^{3: This turned into a somewhat controversial comment⸮ A coward is defined as a person who is contemptibly lacking in the courage to do or endure dangerous or unpleasant things. First, calling out abuse is the only decent thing to do. Not doing so makes one both complicit in and enabler of the abuse. Second, while there are plenty of reasons to not speak up, in my not so humble opinion none of them are good enough. People not speaking up is what allows abusers to continue in their behaviour harming more and more victims. Standing up for what is right is hard, it takes courage, and puts one in the line of fire. Nothing worth doing is easy. Sometimes, all it takes is asking someone "you okay with that?"… Finally, surely standing up for a friends is what friendship is about. If one cannot do that, what kind of a friend are they? Besides, you are not just standing up for one person but for the countless others that will get abused in the future. Personally, I have at times been a coward (ignorance, fear of physical harm, and lots of other useless excuses not to do the right thing…) and it is something I deeply regret to this day. I wish someone had pointed it out because then I could have helped. Based of HideAndSeek's update, it seems that she is certain her friends in the group will have her back. This is a good thing™ and if they do, they will show themselves as good friends.}

Answer 2

Posting this as an answer, since it I haven’t seen step two suggested so far and it might just solve the problem. (Knock on wood.)

1) Be more assertive at the table

As I mentioned above, I have been kind of a pushover so far. I expected to have my boundaries respected, but I never enforced them. (In a perfect world, I shouldn’t have to, but well, we don’t live in one.)

During the last two sessions - July 2nd and July 10th – I always gave direct feedback. With jokes that were weird, but not mean-spirited, I tried to give as good as I got. With jokes that crossed a line, I instantly went out-of-character and told him “not okay, dude”. His reaction was his usual poker face, but it got better.

So far, there was no incident that would have justified a whole “Stop this; I hate it because of reasons a, b, c…”. Maybe the short rebukes will be enough. Besides, there is another development:

2) Change the social dynamics of the group

As mentioned above, the current group consists of the DM, “Kevin”, “Josh” and me. Since we consider three players the minimum for the adventure, we really don’t want to lose anybody. This has created a kind of permissive atmosphere, which Kevin kinda exploits (maybe not even consciously).

Except as of last session, we have another player. I asked another friend of mine whether he wanted to join in and both he and the group agreed. He is somebody I trust, and more importantly, somebody who loves crude humour, but immediately stops the second someone gets uncomfortable. The Anti-Kevin, so to speak. His arrival has changed the social dynamics pretty well. Kevin is now no longer “irreplaceable”. (Don’t get me wrong, I ultimately don’t want him kicked. But now he can get away with less.) And with an outsider in the group, who isn’t used to him and reacts accordingly, he's cleaned up his act a little already.

And for the cherry on top? Anti-Kevin has used Charisma as his dump stat. His Cha is six. And he plans on playing his character as kinda gruff, stoic and quiet because of it. No antisocial tendencies whatsoever. So yeah, the “just playing my stats” excuse is officially cancelled.

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With those two new factors, I feel I should be able to manage Kevin well enough. After two sessions, it is too early to decide anything yet, but here’s to hoping! Thanks for all your excellent advice.

Answer 3

I'm struck by the specifics of Kevin's bullying:

• presenting your character as stupid
• making jokes about your character pooping her pants
• slapping her awake with sausages
• pouring water over her pants to make it look like she peed herself

This is all really crass and juvenile stuff. The in-game explanation of CHA 6 doesn't cut it, in part because low charisma need not mean a character is a bully. The fact that he has been making meta "jokes" at your expense also makes it clear this isn't about him playing his character.

It may be that he resents your presence for some reason, or perhaps he's trying to get your attention. In either case, his behavior is unacceptable. It's obviously making you feel more than uncomfortable.

I get your point about not wanting to make a big deal about this, but frankly the DM and other players in your group are part of the problem and could be part of the solution. It doesn't have to turn into a side-picking exercise, but if you bring up your discomfort with the DM and ask for help, the rest of the group should pitch in to find a solution, either by confronting him about it directly or by having one-on-one conversations with him. You shouldn't have to shoulder the burden of addressing this guy's dysfunctions by yourself.

Answer 4

Sardathrion's answer is great, but it depends on "in-game bullying" being as harsh and bad as "real life bullying" or assuming Kevin is doing both. ¹ I won't disagree with any of these assumptions, to be clear, and I do think the answer is great nonetheless. Instead, I will provide an answer that does not depend on these premises, but reaches the same conclusion.

The main goal is for everyone to have fun. Period.

His behaviour, from your question, is making you not have fun. This is a problem. Period. It does not matter if he means it in character or not, it simply matters that you are having your gaming experience deteriorated by his behaviour. Now that we have stated the problem, how do we solve it?

Talk to him

Tell him exactly this problem: "Your behaviour is making my gaming less fun." - if he tries to justify in character behaviour with in-character personality and stats, this is my guy syndrome, remind him that it does not matter that 'it is what his character would do' if it is making the experience worse for someone in the table.

Different exepctations of what is "fun"

If his notion of "having fun" is being able to make his character behave this way, then you have another problem: different expectations of what is fun, and, more than that, conflicting expectations. This can be solved three ways:

• Kevin agrees to stop it - even if it is going to make the game less fun for him, so you can keep your own fun.
• You tolerate it (and I am not saying you should, since you are annoyed enough to create a question here, but it is one solution), so he can keep his fun, while yours is weakened.
• One of you quit the table.

Note that bullets 1 and 2 are extremes of a continuum scale. You could also try to find some compromise where Kevin reduces this behaviour to a point where you don't get annoyed by it and he still has fun playing his character the way he wants to - if that is possible. So there is this fourth solution.

From your question, the other players are also annoyed with his behaviour, so asking him to leave might be better than yourself leaving, although you might not want to do it. You deciding to leave is also completely acceptable. If he won't stop, and you can't or simply don't want to tolerate his behaviour, no gaming is better than bad gaming - and you even said you have other groups, so it isn't even "no gaming".

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¹ The problem I see with this approach is that it's easier for Kevin to justify "nah, this is just in-game, don't take it personally, I'm not bullying you", while, I believe, my approach is "immune" to such a response, since in-game actions can make the game less fun for you, and he can't argue about your feelings there (i.e. he can't say "nah you are having fun!!" or "you should be having fun anyway!" - you aren't, period).

Answer 5

This is not a roleplaying issue and it would help you greatly to call this argument out whenever it's used. Ultimately, the player chooses his character's actions. There are many ways how to roleplay without being a jerk to others. "Kevin's" behaviour is in no way protected during game time and should be treated as normal bullying/harassement/being a jerk.

General options

• Leaving the group – probably not the best idea for you, since you stated that you generally like them and want to continue in the game.

• Try to boot the "Kevin" from your group – this might be tough, since you are mostly friends and you might feel (or be percieved) as a bit of a jerk yourself in the end.

• Bringing it up with "Kevin" – you said that last time you tried this it helped a bit for a little while. Maybe trying this again and being consistent might help "Kevin" take a hint or at least set up some boundaries.

• The next cringey/gross joke that erupts from Kevin can be responded to with "That wasn't funny, that was crass." It's one of many ways to signal subtly that someone's jokes aren't appreciated.

• Calling it out as it happens – see above, but maybe this will muster some support from the other guys, which in turn might help "Kevin" understand his behaviour better. You definitely shouldn't tolarate it, since that only reinforces his dellusion that it's OK and just a bit of fun.

Any of these is going to be awkward and requires some courage.

Answer 6

Any situation where there is Bleed (emotional crossover either way) can be tough. And in a role-playing game, especially an ongoing one, any sort of abuse/bully/conflict relationship should really be approved of by all 3 parties (both PCs & DM) before it happens in game. Since that hasn't happened you need to talk to Kevin and the DM. I would suggest getting them both together and saying something along the lines of:

Listen Kevin, I've mostly been having fun with this game, but I've got to admit that I'm having a little trouble not being hurt out of character by the in-character abuse your character is heaping on mine. It makes me uncomfortable and I'd really like it to stop.

Keep in mind you're all playing the same game, so regardless of his in-game justification (low charisma) if it's upsetting you, there's no need for it. If he can only have fun at the expense of other players then really there's no place for him in a shared game like D&D (or any RPG really). Justifying abuse doesn't stop it from being abuse and doesn't make it okay. It would be different if before the first instance he'd approached you out of character and said "Hey, I'd like our characters to have an antagonistic relationship." and worked with you to figure out what sort of boundaries you were both okay with.

If all else fails, remind the DM that with a Charisma of 6 most of his jokes should fall flat or backfire.

Answer 7

I'll suggest an alternative approach based on Hanlon's Razor. Maybe this guy is being a really bad player, playing the role of a jerk really well.

For clarity, I think the situation at your table is absolutely unacceptable, and his behavior has long since crossed any lines that might be considered OK. It's possible he's just not really grokked the 'my guy' syndrome problem, where the player thinks that any behavior at the table is OK if it's justified in-character ('it's what my guy would do'). Again, for emphasis, this is a fallacy and results in idiocy and unpleasantness.

If he's decided that Cha 6 makes his dude an unpleasant jerk, it's possible he's trying to play this with these bad jokes, poor taste comments and silly practical jokes. It's possible he's decided that your character is to the butt of these - maybe he in character he fears the other characters or has some in-character beef with your character. If this is the case, I'd suggest that an the approach might be to talk to him about A) how this impacts your enjoyment as a player and B) other ways he could portray his character in order to reflect his characters interpersonal skills without making it seem like he has no interpersonal skills himself. He might think that if his characters wakes up with a knife at his throat from your PC that would give him an 'out' - he could find another target for his behaviors.

If it does seem this is the case, it might be worth talking to the DM and seeing if you can't get his characters CHA boosted by a Deck of Many Things or some other method, to remove any 'pressure' he feels to behave this way. If not you could talk with your DM - it might be useful to make sure that NPCs are reacting very poorly to this character, strangers trying to start fights with him and refusing to help him.

With all of the above said, I would suggest you sit him down and explain to him how his behaviors and choices are making you feel. Using 'my guy' as a reason to be a jerk is basically the same as just being a jerk, and is super not-OK, especially in any kind of situation where you're interacting with other humans.

Hopefully you get this resolved and can get back to enjoying your game.

Answer 8

CHA 6 doesn't make you an immature ass.

Kevin sounds like he's extremely immature, I've seen pre-teens act like that around girls they like when they don't know how to 'handle it' (for lack of a better term).

Not an excuse for his behaviour, even if he was that young.

You could either broach the subject with the group (recommended) or you could start treating him like a child (possibly more satisfying) under the RP excuse that your character is tired of his BS.

Answer 9

I'm going to assume that reaching across the table and slapping some sense into the man is out of the question or you'd have done it by now. I admire your restraint, I don't believe many of the players, regardless of gender, I've meet could equal it.

Let me preface this by saying I'm not a nice person others have gone so far as to say I'm rather evil on the right day, that said here's an idea for keeping it in-character:

Swap up your character, play a barbarian with a hair trigger temper for a while and see how many new characters "Kevin" goes through before he gets the point that his behaviour is not on. He has no room for complaint since it's an entirely in character response.

In reality though I think this goes beyond that, you deserve to feel safe in your gaming group, like any other social group, and it doesn't sound like you do any more. As such I feel that you really do need to seriously look again at either leaving the group or make it entirely plain to the group both in and out of character that the behaviour needs to stop yesterday. This goes more than double if you have any feeling at all that "Kevin" might escalate to unwanted attention outside the game.

Answer 10

Apologies in advance for necro-threading a year after this was hopefully resolved. The answers given so far are really good, and I like your plan of changing the group dynamic to water-down the behaviour of Kevin, but I do wonder what would have happened if you'd tried to handle it in character with a little bit of psychology... (disclaimer, I do not work the psychology field!)

Why not just have your PC say to Kevin's PC "Whoah, okay, I get it. Sorry, I didn't realise all these childish antics were your way of showing you like-like me. Yeah and sorry, I am not interested in that kind of relationship with you Kev-PC. Glad that is sorted, at least now the silly pranks won't be necessary." And if he continues, then explain to witnesses of future antics that Kev-PC is in love with you and can't let go. Try to set him up with another person as much as possible and hopefully the DM will come to the party. Ask NPC witnesses : "It's sad really, do you have any sisters, cousins, aunts, who might be interested in a juvenile crush?" Seems like it would be taking the high-ground in character since Kevin claims this is all in character interactions.

Answer 11

I think a lot of the answers here have good advice. I would like to add to those with my advice as a player and a DM.

Beginning and the end

When the characters are created, they start with life experiences that define their personality. How they act in the beginning doesn't mean they should always act that way. There are many opportunities for in-character growth such as the guilt of someone who has been through hell and high water with you being emotionally upset (in-character).

Growth

I place bad in-character behavior as a character flaw that can be overcome by events that challenge that character's belief's. This event has to be DM setup though or haphazardly encountered.

Example:
Encounter another adventuring group of NPCs that have a similar duo in the party and play on the player's/character's beliefs. If he thinks evil acts are fun and awesome then make the group of NPCs as badass and downright dirty as you can then place prank events in a negative light. Perhaps the NPC duo ends up dying in a fight and the surviving members mourn the target of the pranks and just leave the other scallywag to be mourned by a random monk who passes by.

Conclusion

This event is to challenge his beliefs, whether this changes his character for the better or sets him out on a crusade to fight for this scallywag's right. Either way this will lead to character development that focuses on the DM-controlled world story rather than your character.

Answer 12

Talk to the DM.

If the DM says that it is just role playing then tell the GM that your character has had enough and is going to alignment flip and kill the annoying PC the next time he sleeps.

Then you can role play a character who finally gets some peace and quiet.

Answer 13

I'm going to have to disagree with a lot of the top posts citing "in-game bullying = real bullying" and instead posit to the DM and player. While I can understand that it feels particularly bad, the reality is open to far too many questions about your dynamics as a whole, so instead I would turn it around in-game.

The first step would be to speak with the player and DM to get an understanding of the separation of player and character. Judging by the next to last paragraph, it sounds as though Kevin doesn't necessarily mean any harm, and thought he was being funny. In the given scenario, he addressed the problem, but the character has since fallen back on bad habits.

So, assuming the above is accurate, we've designated the player means no harm, but the character does not get the message yet.

There's a very real opportunity for your character, and Kevin's character, to grow. It sounds as though you enjoy the company and game otherwise, so why not use this opportunity to make it better for all characters involved? Have your character have a breakdown. Tell him how much you've given to the party to not be treated like that. Storm off. You don't actually have to feel that way, just as he doesn't actually have to be a jerk.

For example, I played a character who acts at least a little like a jerk to everyone around him (pulling pranks, lying a lot, etc), and it's mostly because he was hiding a difficult upbringing and past. Once that was revealed, he started to change, and other people treated him differently. That being said, had the players and/or DM intervened and said I was going too far, I would certainly tone it down before the explanation.

To cite a different example of a big-name campaign (Huge spoilers for Critical Role):

Scanlan Shorthalt, thought to only be the comic relief, prankster bard begins to feel that he isn't respected at all when it came to anything important and certain party members would flat out ignore his opinion or act like they already knew how he would react. So, in character, he blows up at one point and leaves the party for a time. This caused the party to truly reconsider how they treated him, and it led to a beautiful RP session all around.

My point here being, give them a chance to reconcile in character before completely abandoning and/or determining that this isn't for you. If after such time, they still don't get it, then maybe it would be time to move on. Just like in real life, oftentimes people act out when they're hiding how they really feel.

This does start to lean towards the "my guy syndrome", particularly with the low CHR argument, but once again, I think my explanation would hold water in changing/countering that ideal.

If you've exhausted all above options, then I believe the next step is to provide an ultimatum. Either the teasing stops, or you walk. This will force BOTH the player and character to determine what is more important; acting like a jackass or keeping a friend around.

Answer 14

On a personal basis, I honestly think the current top answers here are probably better than mine. That being said...

In-game, I'd suggest RPing the correct way to handle a bully. Your character decides she isn't going to take it any more, and gets aggressive at every incident. I mean seriously aggressive. Lost HP will be involved.

In addition, until he stops the behavior and apologizes, she also gets passive aggressive. During combat, she "accidentally" hits him (or better yet, leaves him in the zone of an AoE spell), and then pleads stupidity or that she thought she saw a snake. But of course only at him.