How to emotionally distance myself from my own character?

Question

I really like playing D&D. There's something about the environment that I find to be amazing for making friends; everyone has their emotional defense barriers slightly lowered, and there are a lot of fun things to talk about that come up in the course of the game.

However, my problem is that for a great deal of time I've played, I was emotionally kinda broken. A lot of things in my life weren't going too well, and I ended up retreating into my character.

Since that time, I've been able to take concrete steps to fix my life, and things are looking up. I now am fully aware my previous approach to the game wasn't emotionally healthy, and I want to fix that for the future, but I don't specifically know how. (What I consider to be unhealthy: betrayals and my character's mistakes in-game would seriously shake me on a personal, out-of-game level.)

How can I go about emotionally distancing myself from my future characters? I don't want to get that trapped by emotional transference again, though I also don't exactly want to be roleplaying Marvin the robot from Hitchiker's Guide (I do enjoy taking an active role in solving problems). I would really appreciate any advice, especially if anyone has a personal experience with a similar situation.

If it makes a difference, I'm not going to be playing for a while because I'm still getting my life back together, but I would like to start again sometime soon, perhaps after the new year.

Answer 1

As pointed out in the comments, it is a bit difficult to answer without more detailed information but I'd offer one approach based on the information we have:

Make your character's personality differs from your own personality. Explore possibilities you don't have or don't want to have in real life. Maybe even a type of character you'd detest to be in real life.

E.g. if you are a rather shy and nice type of person why not play a rough swashbuckler that's just after gold, rum and girls. Not really a murder hobo but definitly always out to get the most for himself.

This way you create a sharp difference between your real self and your character. This makes emotional detachment easier.

Really try to think what this character would do not just you. Try to avoid my guy syndrome though.

Answer 2

Three tools for creating distance and avoiding pain

I ran into a similar problem (though I do have an outgoing personality) a long time ago; I got a little too strongly attached to a D&D character. (Thief, Halfling, AD&D 1e).

The first tool is to teach yourself to always refer to the character in the third person. Never say "I try to pick the lock" you say "Ronald the Rogue gets out his thieves' tools, and tries to pick the lock." That allows you to separate you, the player, from the character you are taking through the adventures. While some will complain that this ruins immersion, you appear to want to reduce immersion; that's a way to work toward that end.

The second tool that I found very useful was to paint up a miniature figure for the character that does not look like you at all. In my case, I used some very bright colors (yellow and green) for the bulk of the character's clothing (stuff I would never wear), and after a little work I got the paints to render red hair pretty well. (I had dark brown hair in those days, not the "silver" currently adorning my head.)

The third tool, and IMO the most important tool, is to pick the right play group. Be selective. Since you are not playing now, you can screen the play groups you consider joining. If there is a group that does a lot of betrayal and PvP, and you find that disturbing, don't join them. Join in with a group that is more team-oriented. This will offer two side benefits.

1. You can focus on how well "we" did in the adventure. That spreads your concern for all of the characters beyond your own PC.

2. That 'punch in the gut' feeling from a betrayal by another player (in character or not) will be avoided.

   Point number two regarding the group is something that you need to find out about the play style of the group during a session zero: PvP or no PvP? Take the time and effort to explore that before you join a group going on adventures.

That approach worked well enough for me when I needed some distance from my PC.

---

A last point that had helped me, but may or may not be of help to you:

If you have access to the original Traveller game, you can spend a couple of sessions, alone or with a friend, creating about 20 characters as an exercise in learning that game's character creation mechanics. It is possible that one or two may die during character creation. Tear up the 3X5 card and start another one. The binge character creation puts you in a mind set that you can't identify with all 20 (or however many survive); there's just too many of them. And to really distance yourself, if a friend is with you, have them pair off in a series of one on one duels to the death; try to make a one line joke about each of the characters and how he or she died. (Yes, we did that over a few beers, why do you ask?)

Answer 3

Let me preface this by saying I don't know if this would work for you. I too get really attached to my characters; what helps me not worry as much about them getting killed is thinking about the next one. Losing a character sucks, but at least you already have another character you're invested in (if not as invested in) ready to go, and the excitement of trying something new or getting to show off the new character can help with the pain of losing the old one.

For betrayals and other non-lethal setbacks and mistakes, my solution is kind of similar. I like to plan ahead, imagining how the character would respond to possible various setbacks should they occur. Then if/when one occurs, it's less a tragedy and more a plot point, if that makes sense, a chance for your role-playing (and/or clever mechanical ideas) and preparation to shine.

I love character creation, and imagining potential situations for the characters I create, so these tricks work for me. I don't know if they'd work for you, or if they're even what you're looking for, but it's the best I've got. Hope they help!